New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up
ad for Classmates.com !
There's a reason I havent talked to these people for 25 (more or
Because I didn't particularly like them when I was in school, and I am certain
that I'll like them even less now. Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to
you through a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain?salmon? Luckily, it was only a finger!
Had it been a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot young teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone
in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the
idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule (and this
one is long overdue):No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel
and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want
to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is,
I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's
not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place, I only asked to be